


Trouble Don't Always Last.

by castivak



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Gay Male Character, Gen, Heartbreak, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Inspired by Euphoria (TV 2019), Past Relationship(s), Slurs, Suicidal Thoughts, Trans Female Character, Trans Male Character, Underage Drug Use
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-07
Updated: 2020-12-07
Packaged: 2021-03-09 20:53:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,896
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27932617
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/castivak/pseuds/castivak
Summary: "........meg, can i tell you something?"the adult nodded, keeping her eyes on belphegor as he contemplated saying what was on his mind, "like, for real, if i say some really gnarly shit, you're not gonna.....report me or something?" he asked and meg chuckled, "kiddo, i'm not a guidance counselor, just a crackhead who's trying to do good on this floating rock before she kicks the bucket."
Kudos: 3





	Trouble Don't Always Last.

**Author's Note:**

> mentioned characters!!!  
> \- clark barker : ex-boyfriend  
> \- castiel : father  
> \- kelly kline : mother  
> \- jack kline : brother
> 
> also! belphegor uses the tr-- and fa-- slur, but in reference to himself because he is trans and gay in this fic
> 
> also i'm a trans gay author, so its fine.

belphegor looked in the scratched, murky, mirror in the diner's bathroom, making sure that there wasn't a trace of powder on his face so that his mentor(?) could call him out for relapsing; although, meg would know what an opiate high looks like so maybe checking for physical evidence wasn't something she needed to do.   
  
but, he had checked anyway and when he made sure it was clear, he stepped out and walked back to his and meg's table, their breakfast-dinner sitting there waiting to be finished.   
  
meg probably didn't think that the kid caught her skeptical glance as he sat back down, but he definitely did and belphegor ignored the way it made his hesrt clench, "look, meg, i know that you think i'm full of shit, but i'm doing really good, actually." he reassured, even though he was _totally_ lying right out of his ass as he felt the pills take effect, "oh, really?" the woman asked around a small mouthful of pancakes and belphegor nodded, "yeah, definitely."   
  
another skeptical glance from meg caused belphegor to shrug, "well, i mean, it could suddenly get really fucked up at any moment? 'course it could, but....i feel like i've found an amazing balance where i'm like happy and healthy and not looking to anybody else for that happiness, ya know?"   
  
"yep."   
  
"i mean.....fuckin' clark and the way i was putting all my shit into his stupid hands without even telling him and _especially_ the way i was making plans for the rest of our lives. like, now i can just look back at that cringe compilation and ask myself why the fuck i did that crazy shit, ya know?" he rambled, too focused on convincing meg that he was totally fine and not still super fucking broken inside, "i guess i just.....made him the point, but _i'm_ actually the point."   
  
meg chuckled a little, putting her utensils down and folding her hands on the table, "bell, the point is your sobriety."   
  
"oh, yeah, right, of course and like my general overall well-being."   
  
"which starts with sobriety."   
  
".....yeah.....mhm. and, like, finding an emotional balance."   
  
"didn't you just say you found one?" meg mentioned and belphegor paused for a moment, trying to figure out how to crawl himself out of this hole he dug, "yeah, and i did---i mean, i _have_. i'm not perfect, meg, but i'm.....sane. i'm sane---saner, i'm making sane decisions--"   
  
"belphegor." meg cut in, getting the blonde's attention and he moved his gaze towards, taking his eyes off the bright neon motel sign outside the diner window that was glowing in contrast to the rainy night sky, "you're high." she added and belphegor couldn't stop himself from chuckling, "i-i don't think you're listening to what i'm saying."   
  
"kid, i don't think you're listening to what you're saying."   
  
"i.....feel like thats impossible?"   
  
"its impossible to talk bullshit?" meg replied and belphegor laughed again, tucking fringe behind his ear and tugging on his beanie before picking up his fork, cutting into his pancakes with it, "that's what i don't fucking understand; there are loads of people that drink and do drugs and their life is fucking banging, but sometimes life's just bad." he explained, taking a bite of his food and continuing to speak around it, "there's ups and downs to this shit, so whether you believe me or not......i'm _good_."   
  
"yeah, you've said that."   
  
"exactly, 'cause i am---it's not like i'm doing a bunch of vile shit, it's just smoking weed sometimes----which is fine----and.....taking some pills that were _prescribed_ to me."   
  
meg nodded, watching as belphegor ate and sipped his juice, "it ain't gonna last." she mumbled and the teenager shrugged, "yeah, well, nothing lasts forever so...." he trailed off and meg scoffed, "look, i'm not saying you're the poster boy for mental health; you got issues and you're gonna be dealing with said issues your whole fucking life, that's not the problem." she started and belphegor put his fork down, leaning on the table and watching her, "the problem is that you look at sobriety as a weakness and i'm trying to tell you that sobriety is your weapon."   
  
belphegor scoffed, sticking his tongue against his cheek and averting his eyes from meg, looking around the diner before his gaze fell to his plate as it was the most "interesting" thing to look at; he hated meg, he hated that she knew what she was talking about and that she could see right fucking through him and that whatever shit he tried to pull on her didn't work the way it worked on others.   
  
but, he also loved that about her.

  
"........meg, can i tell you something?"   
  
the adult nodded, keeping her eyes on belphegor as he contemplated saying what was on his mind, "like, for real, if i say some really gnarly shit, you're not gonna.....report me or something?" he asked and meg chuckled, "kiddo, i'm not a guidance counselor, just a crackhead who's trying to do good on this floating rock before she kicks the bucket."   
  
"you're a fucking trip."   
  
meg shrugged, "now, what were you gonna tell me?" she asked and belphegor shook his head, "doesn't matter." he muttered and meg raised an eyebrow, "don't pull that shit with me, c'mon, what's on your mind?" she pushed and belphegor looked up at her, sighing a little before sipping his orange juice, rubbing his temple as he stared down at the table, "uh..........when i'm clean, like..... _present---_ aware? fucking whatever you wanna call it, i.....i don't just think about getting high again, it.....it goes.....further than that, and you say that sobriety is a weapon, but, to be honest with you......i'm pretty damn sure i'd kill myself if it weren't for opiates."   
  
meg nodded, sitting up a little straighter as she looked at belphegor, "alright, now we're _talking,_ just like i wanted; you're being real because all that bullshit about being a "functional druggie that has found balance"..........that's a total lie." she replied and belphegor shook his head, "it's not a lie--"   
  
"oh, it fucking is." the woman interjected, pointing a finger at the blonde, "whether you wanna admit it or not, it's a bullshit lie that you're telling everyone so that you can convince yourself just the same way you've convinced them; but, you ain't gonna convince me and i don't wanna fucking hear it." she added and belphegor scoffed, putting his head in his hands, "god, i fucking hate you." he mumbled and meg laughed, "hate you too, kid."   
  
belphegor leaned back in the booth, resting his head on the window and meg sipped her coffee, "listen, i was snorting shit before you were even a thought in your mama's head." she started, "i've lived a whole motherfucking life just to get here to this diner and sit across from your dumbass just for you to tell me that you hate me 'cause i called out your bullshit; you're not even eighteen, don't act like you know shit about anything." meg rambled and belphegor stuck his tongue in his cheek, raising his brows at her, "how ageist of you."   
  
"oh, fuck off, do you think you're all tough? is that it? so, you got clean and wanted to end it all? you're looking at a bitch who had the same fucking thoughts as you did."   
  
belphegor stayed silent this time, keeping his jaw clenched as he pulled his knees up to his chest and kept his eyes on meg, "you're walking around trying to bullshit everybody into thinking you're hard as fuck and don't give a single shit about anything but the reality is that you give so goddamn much of a shit that you can barely handle being alive. so guess fucking what? new rule; don't waste my fucking time." she spat and belphegor took a breath, guilt making his heart sink, "if you wanna use? go the fuck ahead and use but don't lie to my fucking face about it and act like you're the shit when you're so fucked up inside that you're a gentle tap away from crumbling to dust."   
  
silence fell over them for a moment, belphegor trying to find a response and meg raised a brow, "you understand?"   
  
the blonde nodded, "......m'sorry." he whispered, not sure his voice even carried far enough for meg to hear, "alright, so......why'd you relapse?" she asked, going back to their original topic, and belphegor shrugged, "i dunno, shit got overwhelming." he mumbled and meg shook her, "nope, not here for you to be vague, get specific with me." she pressed and belphegor sighed heavily, getting the urge to walk the fuck out and get home and sleep in his messy room, "......all the memories i wish i didn't have."   
  
"okay, so why didn't you call me?"   
  
"you're not a fucking therapist."   
  
"would you tell a therapist this shit?"   
  
"......... _no_."   
  
"there you fucking go, so why didn't you call me?" meg asked again and belphegor twirled the straw in his cup, chuckling to himself a little, "honestly......wasn't really trying not to relapse." he admitted with a laugh and meg laughed with him, knowing that feeling all too well, "where'd you get the drugs?" she asked and he sat up a little, hugging his knees, "i had some shit tucked away in case of emergencies."   
  
"emergiences, sure, you never even gave yourself a fucking chance, huh?"   
  
".....yeah, i didn't have a fucking chance." he mumbled and meg nodded, "do you want to get clean, bell?" she asked and belphegor shook his head, "nope." he replied, making sure the syllables were enunciated strongly for emphasis, "really? not at all?" she pressed and belphegor nodded, "yep.....is that fucked up?"   
  
"what? you not wanting to be sober? yeah, that's fucked up, kid."   
  
belphegor laughed at himself, "i'm just another fucking asshole traggot of a teenager, aren't i?" he smiled, even though his own words caused his heart to clench, "hey now, that's not what makes you an asshole, don't act like it does, alright?" meg spoke with such seriousness in her tone that belphegor felt bad for calling himself a slur that he was allowed to use, the blonde nodding in understanding and she smiled a bit at him, "here's the thing; you're not a drug addict because you're an asshole, you're an asshole because you're a drug addict."   
  
"meg, that's the same fucking thing."   
  
"no it's not; you didn't come out the womb an asshole. you, belphegor, came out of the womb as a screaming gunk-covered newborn, who had a couple screws loose without knowing it, so when you tried drugs for the first time and you felt like those screws were tightening even though they were doing the opposite: that ain't something you can control, kid, because you've been fighting a losing game since you got high for the first time." meg explained and belphegor nodded along, "so, you can destroy your life, fuck your brother and sister's heads up, you can take your parents for granted, and you can sit here, look me in the fucking eye, and tell me that you're gonna keep using drugs with the calmest fucking tone possible...... _that's_ the disease, my friend."   
  
".....the disease?"   
  
"yes, a _disease_ ; a degenerative, incurable, deadly disease that is no different than any cancers out there and you got it."   
  
belphegor clicked his tongue, "thats a little morbid." he mumbled with a smile and meg laughed, "you're gonna try and tell me that you snorting coke in your bedroom with your little sister and brother in the rooms next to yours while your parent's are down the hall figuring out how to pay off the medical bills from your overdose isn't morbid?" she asked and belphegor felt sick, knowing that he had done that exact fucking things weeks, if not days, ago. "fine, but why _me_? why _you_? why _anyone_?"   
  
"why? i don't fucking know, but we gotta live with it and the hardest part of this whole thing, aside from having the disease, is that everybody who doesn't have this disease sees it as a disease; they see you as a seflish brat who's so weak that he allows himself to be dependent on shitty little pills that he crushes up with the back end of a lighter; why should i give a fuck about him if he doesn't give a fuck about himself or anybody at all? why's he deserve my time, my patience, my sympathy, right? if he wants to kill himself, fucking let him......those are all reasonable questions and responses from people who don't get it, but luckily you aren't the only person who actually understands the disease."   
  
"feels like it sometimes."   
  
meg nodded, "yeah, of course, but you got people like me who see that you aren't as much of the cunt that you say you are." she smiled and belphegor smiled, "who fucking knows, maybe you're a good fucking kid under all that angsty chaos." she teased and belphegor laughed, "and that is why we're eating pancakes on christmas eve, even though you don't wanna be clean."   
  
belphegor nodded, silence washing over them and he folded his arms over his knees, resting his head on them and sighing through his nose, "......you've been clean for like, twenty years, right?"   
  
meg chuckled wryly, "nah, i had twelve years but then i started thinking i was indestructible and now i got seven." she corrected and belphegor's eyes widened a little; it's not like he didn't expect meg to have relapses, but he just thought that she.....was better than that? no, that's not the right phrasing but he didn't know what the right phrasing was. "wait, how do you relapse after twelve years?"   
  
"you forget how bad it is."   
  
"and.....how long did you relapse?"   
  
"uh.....nearly two years."   
  
"oh fuck." belphegor blurted out, making meg chuckle a little, "shit, i thought you were gonna say, like, a _day_ or something." he added and meg shook her head, "bud, when you get back into the cycle, you back into the fucking cycle, especially after twelve years because thats when the disease starts talking; " _twelve years, beckett, you ain't ever getting that far again._ "."   
  
"forgive my stupidity, but who the fuck is beckett?"   
  
"i'm beckett."   
  
"what?"   
  
"well, i ain't anymore."   
  
"but y--- _oh_."   
  
meg laughed when belphegor finally connected the dots, leaning back in her seat and crossing her arms over her chest, "you'd think your "traggot ass" would figure that out faster." she teased and belphegor scoffed, "shut up, i have like one braincell." he grumbled and she laughed at him, "i dunno, you just....."   
  
"don't look trans?"   
  
"yeah."   
  
"neither do you but here we are." she smiled before sitting up, going into her pocket and pulling out a packet of cigarettes, "i'll be right back, alright?" she muttered and waited for belphegor to nod before she slid out of the booth, putting her jacket on before leaving the diner to go smoke.   
  
belphegor's phone buzzed in his pocket and he pulled it out, seeing a message from clark and every emotion crashed into him at once.   
  
" _i miss you_."   
  
against better judgement, belphegor opened the message and saw a link to a song, clicking on it once he put his headphones in and listening to it; " _my feet are aching....and your back is pretty tired......"_   
  
belphegor was tempted to rip the headphones out of his ears, knowing exactly what song this was as he had shown it to clark and the audacity that this fucker had to send it to him with a cute little heart emoji was almost nauseating, but belphegor found himself sinking into the diner booth and listening to the whole thing.

**•••**

belphegor saw meg toss her jacket back into the booth and he pulled the headphones out of his ears, having listened to that one fucking song on loop until she had returned, putting his phone away and looking at the woman across the table with such hurt in his eyes that meg nearly got up to hug the poor kid, "......meg, what am i supposed to do about clark?"   
  
meg put her tongue in her cheek, thinking about how to answer before she sat up, turning around and looking at an older waitress who was sitting at the diner's breakfast counter, "yo, ellen." she called and said waitress looked over, a stack of bills in her hand as she counter her tips and an apron around her waist, "yes, doll?"   
  
"how long you been clean?"   
  
ellen thought for a moment, "seventeen years." she spoke, mumbling the number under her breath afterwards, "never thought i'd be able to say that." she added with a smile and belphegor couldn't help but smile a little too, "but, i say it with a lotta pride......why you ask?"   
  
meg shrugged a little, "uh, did you ever think about dating during that time?"   
  
"no offense, darling, but you ain't my cup of tea."   
  
" _ellen_."   
  
ellen laughed a little, "well, you wanna know if i thought about dating or thought about getting clean? because the answer is yes to both of those. but, i had to be single so that i could focus on getting sober, because i wanted that and i didn't have the energy for both at once." she answered, like making such a decision was the easiest thing in the world and belphegor thinks that she caught the pained look in his eyes because she went to speak again, "everything that's good to you, ain't always good for you."   
  
"you got any advice for someone who's got no hope?"   
  
ellen smiled at meg's question, "my grandma used to always say this and i never understood it until i was ready to get clean; "trouble don't last always".....and she was right because it doesn't, you just gotta want the change." she spoke and belphegor swallowed thickly, uncurling his knees from his chest and crossing his arms over his chest, "you got any more questions for me or can i count my tips?"   
  
"nah, count 'em, i'll toss a few in there later."   
  
"you damn well better, baby, with your cheap ass."   
  
meg laughed at ellen before turning back to look at belphegor, who was smiling the teeniest bit, "she just gave you the truth and nothing but the truth right there, kiddo." meg smiled and belphegor raised a brow, "that you're cheap?" he teased and meg rolled her eyes, but smiled and belphegor sighed a little, ".......i still blame clark for all this fucking garbage."   
  
"may i ask why?"   
  
"because, when he was here, i _was_ clean and i was gonna _stay_ clean and most of the time i was living my best fucking life, and then fucking--"   
  
"wait, you were gonna stay clean?" meg interjected and belphegor nodded, "buddy, you had an emergency stash of pills in your room." she scoffed and belphegor shrugged, "i wasn't taking them, they were just.....there." he muttered and meg shook her head, "you were saving them, that ain't getting clean."   
  
"well--"   
  
"and so the relapsing is still clark's fault?"   
  
belphegor fell silent, biting his cheek as he looked down at the table, "meg, you have no fucking idea what he did to me." he muttered as he fiddled with his fingers, pinching the skin between his thumb and pointer, "why don't you explain it to me then so i can have an idea?" meg suggested and belphegor took a deep breath, "he, uh.......cheated on me, when i was clean for him, he fucking straight up cheated on me." he explained and meg nodded, "now, see, i didn't know you two were in a relationship."   
  
"yeah, not for long but.....yeah."   
  
"when did it become a relationship?"   
  
"night of the carnival, he came over and we kissed.....a lot." belphegor muttered with a slight blush, not looking at meg's face because it felt weird, "but when did it become a relationship?" meg repeated and belphegor furrowed his brow, "i just told you, the night of the carnival."   
  
"so, it wasn't just kissing? you talked about it?"   
  
"what? no, it was just kissing, that's fucking weird."   
  
"it's weird to talk about starting a relationship?"   
  
"yeah, why would we talk about it?" he asked and meg gave him the most confused look he had ever seen from her, "because thats how people get into relationships, bell, you have to establish that kinda shit." she answered and he scoffed, "we said i love you all the time." he added and she shook her head, "people say that shit all the damn time."   
  
"but, people don't make out all the time."   
  
"some people do and they see it as a casual thing because they don't talk about it being more than that."   
  
belphegor sighed, "we literally talked about living together and getting matching tattoos on our lips, that's not fucking casual." he grumbled and meg shrugged, "did you do those things?" she asked and the teenager shook his head, "no, but we _talked about it_.....i fucking loved him, meg. i loved him, i trusted him, i got sober for him, and now i look back and it just fucking hurts because he lied to me that entire time." he explained, pulling his beanie off and ruffling his hair, "i mean, clark tried to get me to run away to the city while i was having an anxiety attack over not having my medications---not opiates, my actual medications---and i didn't think he was really gonna just......leave me."   
  
belphegor took a deep breath, laying his folded arms over the back of the booth and resting his head there, "guess it just set off something in my head, ya know? like, he would tell me that we'd live together when he went off to college and we'd always sleep in the same bed and be together forever, then he leaves me for someone who actually has a dick and a flat chest because he fell in love with them over the weekend......it just made me think about how everyone fucking lies and it just started a spiral of maybe i deserve all this pain."   
  
"bell...."   
  
"no, seriously, maybe this is the universe's way of punishing me for being a cunt my whole fucking life." belphegor spoke, not looking at meg, "i mean i stole from my parents, i had physical fights with my dad and i screamed in their faces.....that's the shit i've done meg; i've hit my dad in the face and screamed at my mom until we've both cried and that's not even the fucking worst thing i've done." he rambled, voice wavering as he spoke and a disbelief-filled smile on his face as the words left his mouth, "what is the worst thing?"   
  
belphegor scoffed out a laugh at meg's question, no humor in his tone but his emotions were so everywhere that he didn't know what else to do, "i picked up the sharpest piece of glass from a pile that formed because i threw a framed picture and i pointed it at my dad and threatened to kill him......that's the kind of shit you can't forgive." he mumbled, tears welling in his eyes, "so yeah, i deserve to get my toxic ass left at a train station at one in the morning and watch the guy i fell in love with leave me like i meant nothing." he added and meg shook her head, "drugs change who you are as a person."   
  
"everytime i did shit like that to my dad, i was sober."   
  
"drugs change who you are a person." meg repeated, enunciating the words more this time and belphegor shook his head, "still unforgivable." he mumbled, "no, it's not." meg cooed and belphegor opened his mouth to argue, but she spoke first, "if i believed what you did was unforgivable, i wouldn't be sitting here, because i've done way more than you have and way worse, too."   
  
"yeah, sure."   
  
"belphegor, i'm nearly fifty fucking years old and we met at a narcotics anonymous meeting, you don't think i've done shit in my life?"   
  
belphegor just sighed and lowered his gaze again, "everytime you do something like that and call it unforgivable, you're just making yourself sicker because you just think "why even change? i'm already so fucked up", and you don't get to realize that forgiveness is a huge fucking part of change. just because you did this, doesn't mean yourself that, alright?" meg explained and belphegor shook his head a little, "meg, i threatened to kill the man who raised me and my two other siblings because i wanted drugs; that's fucking horrible and it means--"   
  
" _no_."   
  
belphegor stopped at meg's interjection, "unforgivable is when you refuse to look deeper into yourself to find the truth, so i want you to look deeper and tell me what it actually means." she spoke and the blonde thought for a moment, "it means that.....i'm violent.....to the people i love." he mumbled and meg nodded, "and why's that?"   
  
"because......that's who i am."   
  
"what does that mean?"   
  
"it means that i am okay with being violent to those i love."   
  
"are you, really?" meg asked and belphegor looked at her, nodding a little and meg raised a brow, "are you _okay_ with _that_?" she repeated and belphegor took a breath, "......no." he whispered, voice crackling with emotion, and meg nodded, "so, that means its not who you are." she tried and belphegor shook his head, "i still did it."   
  
"but, what makes you not okay with it?"   
  
"it's a shitty fucking thing to do."   
  
"why?"   
  
"because it's cruel, and it's mean, and my dad doesn't fucking deserve to be threatened by his fucking faggot tranny of a son who he and my mom have spent nearly two decades caring for." he spat, putting his head in his hands in an attempt to hide his wet eyes from meg, "and you believe those things are bad?" she asked and belphegor nodded, "and your beliefs are a part of you?" she added and he nodded again, "so, you're telling me that you can do something bad and know that its bad and that makes you bad?"   
  
"well.....yeah, isn't that the whole point?"   
  
"well, are you doing things that are against what you believe?"   
  
"because i.....i wasn't thinking." he mumbled as he looked back up, squeezing his eyes a little to try and get the tears to go away, "okay, but everyone struggles to live up to their beliefs." meg replied and belphegor scoffed, "not everyone threatens to _kill their dad_." he spat and meg nodded, "okay, i'll give you that your beliefs are more extreme, but why is it?"   
  
"uh......because of drugs and the fuckload of mental illnesses i have?"   
  
"you sure its that and not just because you're an awful cunt of a person? i mean there are a lot of people with the same drug problems and the same mental illnesses as you, but they don't threaten to kill their fathers."   
  
"yeah, i-i know...." belphegor stammered, "but you did and the punishment that you're giving yourself is that you, belphegor kline, are beyond forgiveness; that punishment is way too fucking harsh and it also makes things way too easy because it allows you to keep doing shit without changing because you deserve to feel like a cunt." meg spoke and belphegor sighed, knowing she wasn't finished, "if we keep deeming people as unforgivable than this world's gonna keep getting more and more fucked up because we got a whole bunch of motherfuckers who don't see the worth in change and don't give a shit about _redemption;_ that's fucking terrifying!"   
  
"......meg, what have you done that's worse than what i've done?"   
  
"a lot."   
  
"for real, though."   
  
"a lot."   
  
"you're just saying shit to make me feel better." the teenager mumbled and meg shook her head, "no, i'm not." she replied and belphegor huffed, "why do you wanna know so bad?" she added and belphegor shrugged, "because i think you're a good person.....and i couldn't imagine you do something as terrible as the things that i've done." he answered simply and meg sighed before clearing her throat, "i grew up in a house where my dad beat the shit out of my mom; he was a victim-blaming piece of shit who acted like he was the best person in the world because he had done the basic necessities for child care three whole times while my mother did the rest to raise me and my siblings; eventually, my mom took me and my two sisters out of that fucked up house and to our grandma's until she got us a place of our own and we kept living. and i had always told myself that i would _never_ be like my dad, that i wouldn't sink down to his level, no matter how fucked up i became."   
  
"i feel a "but" is about to be said."   
  
meg chuckled at belphegor's mumble, " _but_......i got married and had a kid while i was still a fucked up druggie and my wife wasn't a fan of the using, so we got into fights and they got physical at times. and, one night while we're in the middle of one of those fights, i look over and see my little boy staring at us with tears on his face because he saw me slap his mom so hard that she fell to the floor." she spoke, looking up at belphegor with a blank expression but he could feel her regret, "and, in that moment, i realized that i was just a drugged up version of my dad, that i became the person i said i never would..........that's rock bottom, kid, it doesn't get worse than that." 

belphegor nodded a little, "did.....did that make you get clean?" he asked and meg shook her head, "nope, another five years before i started to sober up." she explained and belphegor frowned, but meg just shrugged, "drugs will literally change who you are as a human being; your morals, your principles, your beliefs......all that shit gets thrown out the window because there's nothing more important in that moment than you're next fix." she went on and belphegor nodded, "sure, you're functioning and things are going well, but the longer you do drugs, the more you're gonna lose and it ain't just gonna be the shit you love, but it'll be the shit you value about yourself. you'll cross more lines, you'll break more morals, until you have no idea who the fuck you even are; that list of unforgivable things and fucked up memories, it gets longer and uglier........you still think i'm a good person, kid?"   
  
belphegor took a deep breath, pressing his lips together before nodding, "......i do."   
  
meg smiled a little at that, "some people disagree with you on that.....but, the thought of _maybe_ being a good person, is what keeps me _trying_ to be a good person." she muttered, tears in her eyes and belphegor swallowed thickly, "does your son think you're a good person?" he whispered and meg sighed through her nose, "......his idea of me changes from time to time, but i keep trying." she replied and belphegor nodded, "do you.....do you get to see him?"   
  
"he lives in another state with his family, but.....i have yet to turn down an invitation."   
  
belphegor smiled at that, his lips quivering as he did so but there was still a smile, and he took a deep breath, ".......meg?" he whispered and she raised her brows, signaling for him to go on, "i.....i really don't see myself being here for that long." he admitted, the urge to cry heavy in his voice, "and.....that's the hardest part about it all, ya know? like, i-i love talking to you and i agree with everything your're saying---i really do, okay? even though i say all that shit about hating you, but i actually love sitting in this stupid diner and eating pancakes with you at nine pm while we talk about our biggest mistakes." the teenager added, smiling even though a tear was falling down his cheek, "but, i.....i don't see myself being here long enough to even graduate, let alone get married or have kids."   
  
meg was quiet for a moment, nodding a little, "i get it, kid.....not a lot of hope out there." she mumbled and belphegor nodded, wiping at his face with one hand and sniffling, "the thing that i miss about drugs is that no matter what was going on in your life, shit was gonna be okay." she added and belphegor nodded again, "the world's so fucking ugly, man, so fucking violently ugly." he sighed, managing to hold back the urge to make a my chemical romance reference, "and i know that the world isn't the root of my problems, but its definitely one of them because it's everyone else's and i can't help but think about it."   
  
"thinking about those things is a large part of what makes this life worth living; you gotta acknowledge the ugly to acknowledge the beauty, like the beauty of two fuckers sitting in a diner on christmas eve as they talk about their shitty life stories over some pancakes." meg spoke with a small smile, leaning against the table and getting closer to belphegor, "you said it earlier, but....i love talking to you. we talk about the _real_ shit, the shit that's fucking nauseating to even think about, the shit that _matters_ and _needs_ to be talked about, like......who do you wanna be when you leave?"   
  
"......i-i don't understand."   
  
"you said weren't gonna be here much longer, right? so....who do you want your parents and your siblings to remember you?" 

belphegor's jaw shook, clenching it in an attempt to stop that but it was no use, the tears were already flowing and there was no stopping them now, ".....as someone who tried really hard to be someone he couldn't." he admitted, voice quivering and tears dripping down his cheeks, it getting difficult to swallow or breathe as it usually does when your body is in emotional distress.   
  
meg looked the teenager in the eyes, putting her hand on top of his on the table, "i got faith in you." she cooed, a warm smile on her face and belphegor sniffled, using his free hand to wipe at his face, ".......why?" he whispered and meg shrugged, but kept smiling, "i dunno.....i just do; granted, i told myself i was cis and straight for a long ass time, so i've been wrong before." she smiled, getting a watery chuckle out of the boy as he wiped at his face more, "thanks." he smiled through tears and meg nodded, "i got your back, you hear me?"   
  
".......i hear you."   
  
meg smiled and gave belphegor's hand a pat before removing it, "you ready for me to take you home?" she asked and belphegor sniffled, but nodded and they rose from their booth, gathering their things and meg paying for their meal before they headed out the door.

**Author's Note:**

> don't mind the spelling/grammar mistakes. i'm lazy by nature and don't pay attention to things.


End file.
